


it's all for you, it's never not for you

by queeralicecullen



Category: The City of Ember - Jeanne DuPrau
Genre: F/M, as in i Did Not, me? proofreading? it's less likely than you think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:08:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27119350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queeralicecullen/pseuds/queeralicecullen
Summary: 19-year-old Lina Mayfleet is not interested in her best friend Doon Harrow that way. Is she irritated that he's suddenly hanging out with other girls? Sure. But that doesn't mean anything.
Relationships: Doon Harrow/Lina Mayfleet
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	it's all for you, it's never not for you

**Author's Note:**

> listen i reread city of ember this week i don't know what to tell you

Lina wasn’t quite sure where the feeling started. She couldn’t even entirely put a name to it.

It bordered on irritation, but that made no sense.

The curtains were closing on a long, beautiful summer, and Lina had just turned 19. Poppy, ever trying to be a good little sister, had enlisted Mrs. Murdo’s help in making a cake that even Torren had enthusiastically contributed to. They, along with Doctor Hester, ate it for breakfast around the little round wooden table, and Lina thought it was the best thing she’d tasted in years.

After, though, as she had on every one of her birthdays for quite some time, she saddled Fleet and rode out to a patch of tall trees a ways outside the fields. As she’d approached, a lanky, shadowed figure stood up and braced himself against the tree, careful not to put too much weight on the ankle that had never quite healed. A shock of dark hair against pale skin. Lina smiled to herself and pulled Fleet to a halt, looping his reins around a branch.

“Hi,” she’d said, dismounting, unable to keep the grin off her face.

Doon had extended a bulky parcel toward her. “Happy Birthday.”

It had been wrapped in thick burlap, and Lina eagerly untied the twine around it, pulling out a beautiful, hand-sewn backpack with a waist strap. It would be perfect for trips on Fleet, allowing her to carry more without it bouncing against her back. “Oh, Doon, you shouldn’t have.”

“Stop saying that every year,” he’d said with a wry smile. “Do you like it?”

“I _love_ it,” Lina had said breathlessly. “You’re too good at this, I just can’t keep up.”

It was Browning then, and Lina knew she had until midway through Falling to come up with a good birthday present for Doon, something she struggled with every year. It wasn’t that she didn’t know him better than anyone else, because she did. It was just difficult to find something he would really like.

Somehow, he always just really liked being with her. It never seemed to matter what she brought him. They spent the rest of the day under that tree, laughing together until the sun began to dip low in the sky.

That was two weeks ago, and Lina was just now returning to Sparks after a week-long trip to a settlement that had sprung up just a few days away. It was such an enthusiastically welcoming place that she had ended up staying a couple of extra days, exploring the apple orchard with the mayor’s daughter, Chloe.

“The apples will be perfect in a few weeks,” Chloe called cheerfully as Lina mounted to head back to Sparks. “I’ll come by then with a crate full of it, and we can make a trade.”

“I’m sure everyone will love that,” Lina replied. She genuinely enjoyed Chloe’s company, and was looking forward to showing her around Sparks.

Her thoughts turned to Doon on the way home, and she urged Fleet a little faster. She had missed his company even more. She missed the hard look in his eyes, the soft smile on his face when Lina had another crazy, headstrong idea, even the temper that flared when they argued about something.

He was beginning to look like an adult; they both were. She had caught a glimpse of herself in a mirror the other day and had to stare for a moment at the sharp lines of her face. She looked so much older than she remembered. She was still thin and wiry, but the muscles in her arms were much more defined from the years of hard labor it took to get Sparks back on its feet.

It was several more miles before the twin flags of Ember and Sparks appeared in the distance, the highest point in the little town. Lina nudged Fleet again. “Come on,” she said. “I’ll give you extra oats when we get back, promise.”

She clattered into the streets with such ferocity that Edward Pocket, emerging from the Ark, looked startled. “Back in such a rush? Any important messages?”

“No,” Lina said. “Just tired, I guess.”

“Any news?” Orly Gordon called from a doorway.

“Nothing!” Lina shouted back.

She hurriedly dismounted in her stable, filled Fleet’s water and feed, and kicked off her boots, another gift from Doon. She changed out of her dusty clothes and pulled her sweaty hair back from where it was stuck to her neck.

Poppy burst in as she was pulling her shoes on. “Lina, you’re back!”

“Poppy, hi.” Lina gave her little sister a hug. “How’s it been going?”

The girl rolled her eyes. “Torren accidentally pushed Lizzie into the river a few days ago, and Lizzie almost ripped off his head. But my peas are growing,” she said proudly. “Clary says I’m a great apprentice.”

“That’s great,” Lina said. “Listen, I’m going to see Doon—tell Mrs. Murdo I might be late for supper, okay?”

“Of course you are.” Poppy didn’t sound upset so much as smug. “Doon, huh?”

Lina turned in the doorway. “What do you mean?”

“Come on, Lina. You’re not fooling anybody.”

Lina shook her head, not knowing at all what her sister meant, but right then, her desire to see her best friend overshadowed all other rational thought, so she dashed down the stairs and out into the evening sun.

…

Ten minutes of running later, she approached the Pioneer Hotel, where a fair amount of people from Ember still lived. They had spread out quite a bit, and most lived in houses out behind it, in the fields.

Lina walked past it, waving hello to Lizzie, who was sunbathing on the stones outside with Tim, formerly known as Scawgo. He looked much healthier than he had those years ago, chatting animatedly. Lina could hear Lizzie’s loud, boisterous laugh from the path around the building.

The second house belonged to Doon and Loris Harrow. Lina bounded up the steps and knocked, and Loris answered the door a few moments later. “Lina!” he said, surprised. “I didn’t expect you back so soon. Doon said you’d be gone at least another few days.”

That had been what she told him, but she’d been so impatient to see him. “Is he here?”

“No,” Loris said apologetically. “He may still be at the Ark, he’s been staying late the past few days. Shall I tell him you stopped by?”

“That’s all right, I’ll just go by the Ark myself,” Lina said. “Thanks anyway!”

And she was off again, dashing down the road, backtracking to the Ark.

A diamond was still burning in the window, so she opened the door and wound her way to the back room. The door was ajar, and she could hear Doon’s low voice, and another’s, a high female voice.

Who was with him?

Lina peered in. Doon was hunched over a book, and across the table sat a girl with curly brown hair and a freckled face. Lina knew her—Apple Jeskitt, a girl from Sparks who was training to be a teacher. Her high-pitched laugh echoed through the small space, and she reached over to squeeze Doon’s arm.

Lina’s stomach suddenly felt very cold, and she thought back to Loris Harrow’s comment. Was _this_ why Doon had been staying late at the Ark? To hang out with this girl who was very clearly flirting with him?

It wasn’t a secret that Doon was widely admired. He was the hero that had rescued their people from Ember, had kept his dignity after being wrongfully accused of destroying food, had saved Torren from a burning tree, had kept Sparks from starving during their first winter with four hundred new residents by coordinating a retrieval of supplies from Ember. Lina had just never considered this kind of admiration.

And she didn’t like it. Rationally, she knew that Doon had a right to accept whatever kind of attention he got. But she just wasn’t in the mood to see him right then anymore, especially as he looked up at Apple and smiled.

There it was. That feeling. That irritated, jealous feeling. Lina hated being jealous. But she didn’t want to be the one reaching over and touching his arm obnoxiously. She wanted to just be sitting across the table from him, hearing him talk about what he was reading.

She left quietly. She didn’t want to disturb him.

…

It happened again the next morning. Lina heard Doon’s voice outside her window and opened the curtains just enough to peer outside. Leaning against a post in the street was Noryn Junerose, muscular arms folded, her short, pale hair secured in place with a black strip of cloth tied around her head. She was clearly interested in Doon, too.

Lina snapped the curtain shut. She wasn’t quite ready to talk to Doon yet.

“Lina!” Mrs. Murdo shouted up the stairs a moment later. “Doon is here to see you.”

“I’ll be down in a few minutes,” Lina called back, then turned to her mirror with a grimace.

Poppy yawned from her bed. “Why aren’t you running out the door? You heard her say Doon, right?”

“Yeah.” Lina picked up a strip of cloth and wound it around her head. It just looked ridiculous, probably because it was supposed to be for Doctor Hester’s bandage supply. Not the same effect as Noryn. If she wore all black like Noryn did, it would just make her look paler than she already was.

“What is your issue this morning?” Poppy complained as Lina grimaced at her clothes. “This is Doon. He’s seen you while you were practically dying from the sickness that went around last winter. Since when did you care about your appearance?”

“I don’t know,” Lina said quietly.

Poppy raised her eyebrows and climbed out of bed. “Want my advice?”

Lina wasn’t quite sure she was ready to take advice from a ten-year-old girl, but she desperately needed to know what she was feeling. “Okay,” she said slowly. “What kind of advice?”

“You don’t need to act different to impress Doon,” Poppy said. “He’s already impressed.”

“ _Impress_ Doon?” Lina turned to stare at her sister.

Poppy walked over to the window and looked down. “He’s staring at the door like he’s willing it to fall over,” she reported. “Go down there, work out whatever you need to work out. Whatever’s making you look like he kicked your horse.”

“Nothing happened,” Lina said, pulling a shirt over her head. “And what do you mean by impressing Doon?”

Poppy’s hands flew up. “Why isn’t he your boyfriend yet?”

Lina’s mouth flew open. For once, she could think of nothing to say. _What_ was Poppy talking about?

She had never felt that way about Doon. The only reason she was annoyed at him was because…

Because. Because…?

The door opened and Mrs. Murdo poked her head in. “Lina, what’s taking so long?” she asked. “Usually you hear Doon coming a mile away.”

Poppy smirked.

“Sorry,” Lina said. “Tell him I’ll be out in a moment.”

Mrs. Murdo disappeared down the stairs. Poppy lounged on her bed, looking expectantly at Lina.

“I don’t know what’s wrong,” Lina said to the jacket she was holding.

“I do,” Poppy opined. Lina thought maybe she had been spending too much time around Torren.

She finally met Doon outside. He was still watching the door, hands stuffed in his pockets, and his face lit up when she emerged. She was suddenly conscious of the fact that her hair was maybe a bit on the tangled side, even though she had run a brush through it this morning. Doon didn’t seem to notice, scooping her up into an unexpected hug.

It _should_ have been expected. He hugged her all the time. She didn’t know why she was so caught off guard this time.

“Hey,” he said, releasing her. “Father said you were going to stop by the Ark last night—why didn’t you?”

Lina found she had no good excuse. “I did. You looked busy,” she said.

He looked stricken. “I wish you’d said hi,” he said. “I missed you. You were gone a while.” He kicked a rock on the path. “I wish you weren’t away so often.”

Lina swallowed. “You have other friends,” she said quietly, and then wished immediately she didn’t.

“Lina, you’re my _best_ friend.”

That struck a sour chord in Lina, even though it was not only technically true but something she loved. She _loved_ being Doon’s best friend. It was almost a possessive love, as if she _wanted_ to rank first in his heart.

But if he was talking to girls like Apple Jeskitt and Noryn Junerose…

She wouldn’t come first anymore.

_That_ was the problem.

It didn’t mean she wanted him like that. It didn’t mean anything. She just wanted as much of Doon’s time as she could get. It was okay to feel like that, she reasoned.

Right?

But it was unfair of her to keep him from dating, if that’s what he wanted.

She swallowed. “So,” she said. “I saw you with Apple at the Ark yesterday.”

“Oh, yeah.” Doon cast Lina an odd look. “She came by for some teaching materials—the Book of Letters, mostly, just asking me about teaching methods in Ember.” He paused. “Is that why you didn’t come in? I’m sure she would have liked to say hi.”

“Didn’t want to intrude,” Lina mumbled.

“I’d hardly call Apple a friend, though,” Doon continued. “She just wanted some information.”

He continued chattering about something he’d discovered about electricity in a book he was reading, and Lina let out a small breath.

It was all going to be fine.

And they had a perfectly normal day.

…

Later that night, Lina stared at the ceiling, unable to sleep.

“What are you doing, Lina?” Poppy asked after the fifth time she tossed and turned to her other side. “Just tell the boy how you feel.”

“Poppy, I can’t stop him from talking to girls just because I’m his friend,” Lina said reasonably.

Poppy snorted. “You think _that’s_ how you feel? Lina, you can’t possibly think this is your problem.”

“Walk me through it, then.” Lina sat up in bed, tucking just her feet under the covers. “What’s my problem?”

“Okay,” Poppy said. “You and Doon—you’ve been inseparable since Ember. You were his adventure partner. Everyone knows the story of how you two broke us all out of Ember seven years ago, and then, a year later, went back to Ember. He got kidnapped. You saved him. You discovered the diamonds that power our entire society.” She paused to look up at Lina with her bright, dark eyes. “That’s a lot of trauma. Trauma bonds people. And you two were joined at the hip anyway.”

“Okay,” Lina said slowly. “We’re best friends. We have been for a long time.”

“You were never just _best friends._ Best friends don’t get mad when their best friend so much as looks at another girl. You and Doon are meant to be.” She flopped back on her pillow, satisfied with her speech. “Even if you’re too stupid to realize it yet.”

Lina smiled despite herself. “You have got to quit hanging out with Torren.”

Poppy laughed. “Torren taught me how to aim a rock from the top of the wind tower today.”

Lina didn’t mind so much. It wasn’t as if she hadn’t done her share of dangerous things when she was only a little older than Poppy. And Torren had taken on a brotherly role to Poppy as she was growing up.

Still, Poppy would never forget who had rescued her from Ember when she was three years old.

“Do you remember much of Ember, Poppy?” Lina asked. The old city was rarely talked about anymore, as if the topic was just a bit too painful to bring up. Lina knew Doon still carried the weight of the final blow he had dealt to the generator to get the Troggs out of the city.

Poppy was quiet for a moment. “Just bits,” she said. “I don’t remember Mom or Dad at all, but I remember Granny, just a little bit. And the streets. When I see your city drawings, I remember them on a wall.”

“Do you remember going down the river?”

“No,” Poppy said. “Not at all. Most of my earliest memories are from Sparks. I just get the barest flashes of Ember.” She said it wistfully, as if she wished she had more than vague impressions.

“I’m sorry,” Lina said softly.

“It’s okay,” Poppy replied. “I like it here. Mrs. Murdo and Doctor Hester are good to us. And I like working with Clary. She tells me stories about Dad.”

Lina smiled. “He’d be proud of you.”

“I don’t remember him,” Poppy said, “but I know he’d be proud of you, too. Anyone would, you freaking savior of the human race.”

…

Lina was almost in a good mood the next morning. Until it happened _again._

Lina didn’t even see who it was this time. All she heard was a gaggle of girls, and a hushed voice.

“He’s _cute,_ though, _right?_ Most of the cave guys our age are so irritating, but he’s the one who got everyone out. And I know he spends all his time with the other girl, but I don’t think he’s into her, otherwise she would have locked that down by now. She has to be crazy not to. Has she _seen_ him?”

“Heads up,” another girl said in a voice so low that Lina had to strain to hear her. “Cave girl in question, three o’clock.”

Everyone turned towards Lina, who pretended not to have heard as she strode by.

She arrived at Doon’s house a few minutes later, and, for the second time, was greeted by Loris Harrow. “Lina,” he said. “Doon’s not home, I’m sorry.”

“Isn’t it his day off?”

“It is. I assumed he was off to see you.” Loris offered an apologetic shrug. “I don’t know where he is." 

“Okay.” Lina felt small. “You don’t have to tell him I was here. I’ll see him sooner or later.”

He gave her an understanding smile and closed the door, leaving Lina wondering what to do.

She needed somewhere comforting, she thought. She only knew of one spot that fit that description.

She began the long walk out to their tree.

…

He was there.

He looked up as she approached. “How did you know where I was?” he asked, surprised.

“I didn’t,” Lina said. “I just came here to think.”

“I also came here to think.” Doon pushed shaggy dark hair out of his eyes. “About you, mostly.”

Lina suddenly felt awful for how she’d been acting. “I’m sorry,” she said quietly. “I’ve been unfair.”

“No,” Doon said. “I’ve been unfair. You should know how I actually feel, because I haven’t been completely honest.” At Lina’s quizzical look, “My father talked some sense into me.”

“Sense about what?” Lina asked.

“Sense about…the fact that _best friends_ isn’t an accurate representation of how I feel about you,” Doon said. His gaze was completely serious, and Lina felt that it was hard to hold. “And I shouldn’t be telling you that’s all I want when it isn’t true.”

“So…” Lina picked at a blade of grass. “What do you want?”

“What do _you_ want?” Doon gave her a rueful grin. “As much of me as you want in your life, I’ll be there. Even if you decide you never want to see me again.”

Lina shuddered. “I would never want that.”

She found it hard to verbalize, as if she didn’t know the words for what she wanted to say.

Did she even know what she wanted?

Part of her did, was screaming that _yes, Doon was what she wanted._ Screaming for her to just tilt her face toward his.

She wondered what it would be like to kiss him.

She really, really wanted to know.

“There’s no pressure, Lina,” Doon said gently. “If you don’t feel that way about me, I understand.”

“I don’t know,” Lina burst. “I think so. I think I do.”

One eyebrow raised. “You think?”

“I think…I want to find out.”

Doon’s fingers captured a fluttering lock of her long, dark hair. “You’re beautiful,” he said, “and smart, and free-spirited. You’re the best adventure partner I could ever ask for.” He released the strand and turned to look at her. “I just feel like…this is what was meant to be.”

Poppy’s words came flashing back to Lina. _You and Doon are meant to be._

“So let it be,” she said, and pressed her lips to his.

It was nothing like she’d imagined. It was infinitely better.

It was quick, at first, two inexperienced teenagers, but it quickly morphed into something softer and warmer. Something unexpected blossomed in Lina’s chest. A feeling of contentment, of relief that drove everything bad from her body.

She wanted this. She wanted to be first in Doon’s heart, in every way she could.

It was a startling realization, that she felt this deeply about him.

Doon finally pulled back, eyes round in a way she’d never seen. She wanted him to look at her that way forever. As if she were the best thing he’d ever seen. Like the way he looked after he solved a puzzle.

…

“So,” Poppy said that night with the most self-satisfied expression Lina had ever seen. “You look happy.”

Lina threw a pillow at her.


End file.
